Hot Flashes From Hell

2011-09-13T19:50:00.000-04:00

My mom came over earlier this evening to visit and had supper with Bob and I out on the patio. At one point when Bob had gone in the house, Mom and I were discussing "kids today" and drug use, etc. All of a sudden, out of the blue, she says to me, "Did you ever smoke marijuana?"

My mom is 90 years old, 5'2" tall, white haired, a full-blooded Italian. I still obey her, she's still the matriarch of this family,still drives herself wherever she damn well pleases. I do NOT lie to her, haven't since my early teens because, well, she commanded respect then, still does now. I am a 53 year old wife, mother and grandmother. So what did I say?

"Only once, Ma, and I hated it."

For the first time since my early teens, I lied to my mother!! HOW COULD I NOT?? I told her only once (which is pretty close to the truth). I did it for awhile in my mid-teens and hated it, so I stopped. But still...I told her "only once". If she finds out, I'm screwed! I kept thinking to myself, "please don't ask if I ever did anything else!"

Remember, I AM A GRANDMOTHER and here I am hoping my MOTHER doesn't find out that 40 years ago, I smoked pot. Sheesh...grow up already!!

2011-09-12T18:00:00.000-04:00

So the weatherman just said that tomorrow may be a little bit more humid than today. He said, "No one will probably be able to feel it, that's how slight of an increase it will be."

HEY! I'LL most definitely be feelin' it...I'm ALREADY feelin' it and that's just because you said the word! Sheesh.

He obviously doesNOT have a menopausal woman living in close proximity. Just wait, Brian Lapis, just wait.

Hot Flash

2011-08-30T17:43:00.000-04:00

While at school being "professionally developed" today, we had a goofy little exercise that involved asking questions of one another. One of the questions was "Do you know what global warming is?"

I had been sitting for THREE LONG HOURS in an English workshop and was beginning to drool from weariness. When my co-worker asked me this question, this is the way I actually answered...VERBATIM.

"Global warming is just Mother Nature having a hot flash".

She asked if she could quote me. I said yes.

Do you think it was time for a break?

Facial Hair

2011-08-28T11:01:00.000-04:00

G'morning. You know what I realized this morning that has put me into a mental tailspin? I have more damn facial hair than my older brother! Real funny, God.

2011-08-27T17:19:00.000-04:00

Boy oh boy, have I ever been ABSENT! Life sure gets in the way sometimes, doesn't it? Sheesh.

Well, all is relatively well these days in Hot-Flashes-From-Hell-Land. I mean, I still have facial hair like a wombat, my eyelids are still headed towards my cheeks, my ass is still headed to my knees, the hair on my upper lip could very well qualify me for the bearded woman in the circus, and I've had to upgrade my magnifiers to a 2.00, but all in all, I'm hanging in there!

I do have one humorous moment to share, though. Yesterday, my husband went with me to Dress Barn WOMAN (yes, still there, although I have lost 20 pounds!), and was trying on dress pants for work (going back to the middle school Monday, dammit) So...Bob says "What size are you?" "Sixteen," I said. When he found some jeans and brought them back to me, he said, "I found these in your size, but they're a 16 wide". HAHAHAHAHA!! He thought that 16W meant WIDE!! I guffawed for a full five minutes on that one!

Thank God he loves me just the way I am, whatever my size is. :)

How are YOU these days?!

Huh?

2011-03-27T19:44:00.000-04:00

My sister-in-law and I went out for the afternoon and as usual when we're out together, we catch up on chick stuff, catch up on family stuff, eat a good meal, and giggle a lot. After lunch, we ended up at Michael's Craft Store, meandering through the aisles, picking up lots of sale stuff, mostly just cuz they were so colorful and cute.

At one point, she made a comment about something and I didn't hear her, so I said,

"What did you say?"

She looked straight at me and replied, "Huh? Did I just say something?"

I paused, then followed up with, "WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHY IS SHE FOLLOWING ME AROUND THE STORE ASKING ME QUESTIONS?!"

We started to giggle and of course, peed a little. And THAT'S why having a menopausal sister-in-law is so great...her forgetfulness is as rampant as mine, and I love her for it. :)

2011-03-23T17:52:00.000-04:00

Hmmmmm. Seems that any time I get a stressful thought, be it about something upcoming or already gone by, I begin to feel the inner blow torch. Today I started thinking about an issue or two (vague enough?) and within 8 seconds, my palms were sweating, my face was hot and sweating, and I had begun to turn that horrific shade of red reserved only for slutty g-strings and a 1973 Camaro.

Never mind that, my Spanx got real clammy, too, and I thought, "Oh no, not the Spanx too!!" By the way, I posed for this photo. Really. I did.

Bunions Again

2011-03-21T17:17:00.000-04:00

I agree with Belle and Lee..."bunion" is a weird word. Not a very attractive word, either. It's like "wart" or "callous" or "zit".

I called my mom the other day and said, "Mom, do you have bunions?"

She said, "Onions? Of course I have onions. Do you need any?"

"No Mom. Bunions. BUNIONS. I think I have one and they say it might be hereditary."

"Yes, I do."

"YOU DO?! Why did I never know this? What else are you keeping from me?! MA!"

You just never know about your family.

2011-03-17T21:54:00.000-04:00

My night sweats and hot flashes are getting worse, probably because the outside temp is rising above thirty below zero. But you know what? I'm used to them. I know my hot flashes quite personally. I know when they're coming, how to breathe through them, and that they will end.

I have discovered something even worse than hot flashes. I HAVE A GODDAMN BUNION! I have never EVER had a foot issue in my life... (except for that time I broke this same damn toe, but that was a long, long time ago). I don't wear high heels, I don't wear tight or pointy shoes. As a matter of fact, these Easy Spirit shoes are what I wear five days a week. See? See? Normal footwear!

I just read a bunch of stuff about bunions (I don't even like the word) and kept seeing two messages repeatedly: 1) arthritis; and 2) GETTING OLDER!
Now what??!!

Hot and Wet Menopausal Porn

2011-03-11T19:50:00.001-05:00

So my favorite cousin, Rhonda, and I were chatting on the phone tonight and the subject of hot flashes came up. Now, Rhonda is waaaaaaaaaaay older than me (if she reads this, she'll kill me), but we're both suffering quite miserably from the wretched hot flashes. She happens to live in sunny HOT Florida...thanks but no thanks.

Anyway, she works at a country club and has to work outside during the hot-air-furnace that is the Florida heat. She was explaining to me about how she'll be standing there and suddenly, a hot flash will come out of nowhere, causing her to turn, and I quote "hot and wet". Know what I told her? Some people pay BIG BUCKS for anything entitled "Hot and Wet" sister!!

Oh yeeaaaahhhh....menopausal porn!

Hestia

2011-03-03T22:00:00.008-05:00

We're doing Greek gods and goddesses in 6th grade these days. Guess who I would want to be if I had a choice? Hestia. She was the goddess of hearth and home. That way, when any of my little gods and goddesses pissed me off, I could just banish them to HADES! And I would have, too. Why? Probably because all I would have been eating would have been grapes. That would piss off any red-blooded Greek goddess, especially because Athena got all the attention.

Oh, and Easter is here. Know how I know? THE CADBURY EGGS HAVE ARRIVED!! AMEN!

2011-03-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

While eating my third chocolate frosted cupcake a little while ago, I found out that this year marks my 35TH HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!!!

Know what I did when I heard that? First I said "I can't go...gained too much weight."

Then I bit the frosting off the cupcake and threw the cake down the drain. Gee, ya think food's an issue with me?

2011-02-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

Today's Life Lesson.

When making caramel from scratch (the first step in making "decadent pretzels"), heed the time limit on cooling the caramel. Otherwise, instead of cool, creamy caramel, you will have smooth, rock-hard caramel. I know this. I did this. I foolishly thought that if 15 minutes would make it good, 25 minutes would make it better.

Wrong. Really wrong.

But so you know, caramel CHUNKS in ice cream taste good. :)

Tomorrow I will simply be unwrapping and melting caramels.

2011-02-10T17:35:00.000-05:00

I'm in a funk, bummed out, overeating with a vengeance, not having any time to be in my cottage creating, worrying about the future and getting real pissy because of it all.

I had every intention of going out to visit Mom after school, then heading up to a friend's candle store for their first ever monthly gathering of local artisans. She had asked me to join them with my signs, but with my husband going through all he's going through, I had to say no this month; still, I wanted to see what it was all about.

Instead...I came home, , parked my ass in a chair, snapped at my family, read a Country Sampler front to back, ate a sleeve of Ritz, a s'mores Pop Tart, and some raw cookie dough. What is wrong with me?? Will I be eating until I freaking explode?!

2011-02-06T13:14:00.000-05:00

I have been so caught up in crazy life/family medical issues lately, that I'm not even feeling my usual sarcasm. That's not good. I have to work on that, and I will. ;-) Til then, I leave you with the burning question...does having seven Girl Scout cookies for breakfast when you don't even LIKE Girl Scout cookies count as emotional binging?

2011-01-22T21:29:00.002-05:00

Question for you. Does eating a giant-sized Snickers, eight bite-size Dove chocolates, a bowl of chips (I don't like chips), and THEN supper constitute emotional eating? I was just wondering.

Opposites Attract (I think)

2011-01-12T14:05:00.002-05:00

Hi there. The other night as I was drifting off to sleep, I had an odd thought about just how opposite my husband and I are. I imagined that if someone were floating over our bed, they'd see a "study in opposites" right before their eyes. (Of course, if someone really were floating over our bed, they'd probably be occupied with other, more important thoughts, like why the hell am I floating over this bed and who are those bizarre looking people down there?!)

Anyway.

If you were to see us at night (and I hope you don't), you'd see a queen-size bed with me attempting to rest quietly on my side as my husband pulled 3/4 of the covers around him and totally hogged not only HIS side, but MY side as well. He even ends up on my damn pillow!

There I am, a BigMama sized mama, wearing a one-size-fits-most nightgown, spending most of the night either throwing the covers off of myself because I'm sweating like a horse, or huddling under them because I'm as cold as ice. You'd also see my skinny-ass husband wearing flannel pajama bottoms, wool sox, and a thermal top...he's always huddling under the covers because he's such a skinny-ass. Then you'd see me moving closer and closer to the edge of the bed as the aforementioned skinny-ass husband gets more and more comfortable on MY pillow.

What was God thinking when He decided that opposites should not only meet and fall in love, they should share a bed, a supper table, and a checkbook?

"Wedgie" Revisited

2011-01-01T20:47:00.000-05:00

Hi there. I miss you. Really. I do. I also miss sharing dripping sarcasm with you because dripping sarcasm makes me feel good. My Christian friend once told me that "sarcasm is actually deep-seeded anger". I must be really pissed.

Anyway.

My name is Carol and I am addicted to my iPhone.

There...I said it, but I'll never repeat it. One of the games on my iPhone that I am addicted to is called Whirly Words because 1) I like words; and 2) word games make me feel more intelligent.

The other morning before everyone got up, I sat with my ~~first~~, ~~second~~, third cup of coffee and played Whirly Words. Guess what my secret word was?? WEDGIE. What the hell?

It seems as if "wedgie" has become a theme for my life...this can't be good news.

Chips Ahoy Therapy

2010-12-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

(insert deep, whiny sigh here). I had to use my Chips Ahoy Therapy today.

This afternoon I finally had the time to make blueberry jam with ~~store-bought~~ our own homegrown blueberries. coughcough.

Oh fine. Actually, we do grow our own blueberries, and actually, I did buy frozen ones instead. Why? Because. Because I hate cleaning all of the teeny tiny stems off of the handpicked ones, that's why, which makes me quite lazy in the self-sustainability department.

But none of that is really relevant.

I've been itching to make some paper lately, and when I found some time to myself today, it was exciting. After making the blueberry jam, I decided to make some paper which would have made me quite happy. Instead, I could NOT find a basin the correct size anywhere on this property!

Can you imagine?? We have an acre of land, a barn, my art studio, a cottage and my husband's workshop. Not one damn basin anywhere!!! Ridiculous.

So I got whiny and ate Chips Ahoy instead.

Wedgie Free

2010-11-24T16:46:00.001-05:00

I had to buy new underwear today. Oh yay, hold me back.

Anyway, the package actually said, and I quote..."Wedgie Free". Wedgie Free?? I thought wedgie was a made-up kid's word? I thought only annoying older brothers and sisters said wedgie, as in, "don't tell mom or I'll give you a wedgie"!! I felt so juvenile carrying underwear around Walmart that actually said "Wedgie Free".

Worse than that, though, is that for the first time since the Pilgrims got here and jumped out onto Plymouth Rock, I had to go up a size in my undies. Whatever. At least I won't be getting a wedgie.

2010-11-17T18:52:00.003-05:00

My friend Belle at Tales From a Loser gave me a "sweet" award and for that, I would gladly share my ~~last~~ next to last piece of cheesecake with her! Before I can post it though, I am supposed to: share it with three other bloggers and list my five sweet indulgences.

Guess what I did, though! I greedily posted the award BEFORE I did all those things! I am wretched.

BUT I am going to finish my duties very soon; right now I have to get making some chicken parmesan for supper or else I'll get fired as chief cook and bottle-washer. :)

As Arnold says in "The Terminator"...."I'll be back". :D

Thank you Belle!!

2010-11-17T18:31:00.000-05:00

New favorite quote...

"Clutter is the poetry of our homes. It is an intimate view that is not always perfect--a few dishes in the sink, books piled next to the bed. Everything in its place may give a certain satisfaction, but a lived-in room exudes comfort and warmth." Mary Randolph Carter (author)

If this is the truth, then my house is a freaking EPIC!

2010-11-04T20:04:00.000-04:00

HI! Guess what I saw tonight? I was doing a quick load of laundry when all of a sudden I noticed something pink stretched hugely over the thing-y in the middle of the washer. I think they call it the "agitator" (although I thought that was my mother-in-law's name). I figured that one of the girls had thrown their comforter in, except I realized that none of them have a pink comforter.

Then I thought it might be the bathroom rug, except I realized I don't have pink bathroom rugs.

Then I thought it was a pink slipcover, except I realized I don't have pink slipcovers.

Then I realized it was my underwear, so I went upstairs and ate a sleeve of Chips Ahoy.

Whatever.

2010-10-25T19:48:00.004-04:00

Wanna hear something disgusting? Wanna hear something waaaay too personal to post online, or even share in person with your bff? Wanna? Get ready!

...guess who went to the obgyn today? And guess who hasn't had her period since June of 2009? And guess who doesn't need to ever use condoms again!!!

2010-10-23T18:11:00.012-04:00

I love my friend Cheryl, (even though she just got back from a cruise to Belize during which time I called her bad names), she's sweet and kind and reallyreally pretty.

(I also love my friend Nina who's also sweet and kind and reallyreally pretty...but she didn't go on a cruise to Belize so I wasn't calling her bad names last week.)

The three of us share a lot of things, among them are our whines and rants and complaints about menopause.

So imagine how it made me laugh when I got this birthday card today from Cheryl. Talk about "hitting the nail on the head"!

Except for one teeny tiny little detail.

My birthday's in February.

I think Cheryl's getting a tad forgetful, don't you?!

2010-10-13T23:12:00.002-04:00

Some days are just like this.

2010-10-12T17:14:00.006-04:00

See if you can guess what I was doing when this was my intelligent dialog with myself.

"Ouch."
"Ouch."
"Dammit!"
"OW!"
"Achoo!!"
"Ouch."
"Ouch."
"Dammit!"

Yup. Plucking my eyebrows.

And yes, of course those are my actual eyes. Duh!

2010-10-07T17:48:00.004-04:00

Hi there. Back from a wonderful 4-day weekend up in northern Vermont and let me tell you, coming back to reality sucks. I could have moved there, NOT left a forwarding address, and started raising mini horses. I wouldn't get a phone either. I would, however, get a 4-wheel drive SUV.

So I had an appointment with an eye specialist today because evidently I have a "spot" on my optic nerve. A spot on my optic nerve? Is an optic nerve even big enough to have a spot on it? Crap.

It turned out to be a "benign non nevus". I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.

2010-10-01T06:28:00.002-04:00

TGIF!!

So...I talked to the doctor's office yesterday and evidently now that I've had my two "oscopies", it's been determined that I have two "itises". What the hell?? If they for ONE MINUTE say this has anything to do with menopause, I'm going to knock the hell out of someone. I am.

They say I have colitis AND gastritis! I've never had any issues at either end (too much info?) and now this? This is getting ridiculous.

I'm off for a few days of R & R, plus some geocaching with my husband, so I plan on being more diligent in my whining when I get back.

Have a safe weekend everyone, and watch out for those "itises"!! They'll kick you in the ass when you're not looking! (literally).

2010-09-29T18:58:00.003-04:00

I've been on edge today and just ate a bag of these...is that bad? I chose the white fudge ones which are supposedly healthier than milk chocolate, right?

Who says I eat my way through my emotions?! (I do.)

Done!

2010-09-28T21:48:00.004-04:00

Hi there. Yay! I survived and I live to whine another day! :)

As soon as I get some free moments, I'll fill you in on the ordeal because I know you are waiting with baited breath! (yeah, right). Suffice to say that I "came to" for about 14 seconds during the procedure, looked at the monitor and thought to myself, "that's a mighty cute colon you have there missy". I really did think that. Scary, isn't it?

And let me just say that those are some mighty fine drugs they give you. Mighty fine. :)

2010-09-26T20:21:00.002-04:00

Finally started taking the first 20 of 32 pills I have to take in preparation for tomorrow's event. Oh me oh my.

I had everything figured out for tonight. Being that this is a rather private thing (which is why I'm totally sharing it ALL here on the World Wide Web...sheesh), I was going to take the pills and stay inside, ALONE, close to the bathroom as needed. What do you think my house sounds like right now? Each daughter had a boyfriend here at this very moment. There are now SIX young adults in my teeny tiny house and no way in hell I can make a mad dash to the bathroom in private. What the hell?!

2010-09-25T20:49:00.005-04:00

This Monday marks the big day for me...it's my colonoscopy AND my endoscopy! Both ends at once! Hurray! It's a two-fer.

Guess what one of the side effects is of the THIRTY TWO pills I have to take in preparation....diarrhea!! (no shit Sherlock; quite literally...no shit).

2010-09-23T18:57:00.004-04:00

Question for you. What happens when a 52-year old woman that put off going to the bathroom "just for a sec" so she can empty the dryer is sitting on the bottom cellar stair trying to empty the dryer, but can't quite reach the damn thong (not hers of course!) that's clinging to the back of the dryer, so she leans over?! You KNOW what happens!

Hint...her bladder has managed to survive four pregnancies, but is getting a WEE bit tired.

The best part is that I was eating cheese puffs the whole damn time. In my defense though, they were "baked", not "fried" (as if that matters).

2010-09-22T17:26:00.006-04:00

These words were actually said by the eighth grade Reading teacher today, during class, in front of the kids, loudly and with gusto...

"MY INKER RAN OUT OF PRINT!"

Who says menopause AND a full moon don't affect our minds?!

Top Reasons We Need Prozac

2010-09-17T22:03:00.015-04:00

I've been "writing a book" for quite awhile now, and one of the sections is entitled...Why We Need Prozac. Every single thing I've written has taken place or been said in this family. I have a funny feeling that most of you can identify wholeheartedly! Occasionally, I'll share a little bit of that list with you. Here's the beginning..

WHY WE NEED PROZAC

Guess what, I’m pregnant.

Honey the contractions are 2 min. apart…would you mind driving now?

What’s jaundice?

Will that birthmark be ok?

What do you mean the baby’s stuck?

She hasn’t stopped crying for about 3 months!

You pierced what?!

Your hair is what color?

How long before it washes out?

CAN I DYE YOUR EYEBROWS??!! Why the hell did you ask your sister that??

Why in God’s name would you pull the fire alarm?

What do you mean the ferret isn’t returnable?

How long is this damn goat going to live?

How long are these damn chickens going to live?

Yes sir, I know this is a dead gerbil. I need you to match it exactly so I can send it back to the classroom in the morning.

Someone get over here and wipe up the blood!

Just how many stitches does it take to close up an 8-year old’s chin??

Why in God’s name doesn’t she wake up when she vomits?

How much does a new mattress cost?

The dog did what in your bed?

Damn I just had a thought and it’s gone.

Get the cat off of your father’s head; he’s going to wake up you know!

Get your feet off the table.

Get your feet away from me.

Get your feet away from your sister’s face.

Get your tongue out of your brother’s ear.

Get your tongue out of your sister’s ear.

Get your tongue out of my ear.

Get off the roof.

Get out from under that bed.

Get off the top of the van.

Get back in the boat.

Stay tuned for more, sooner or later. :)

2010-09-15T16:47:00.007-04:00

On my quest to get healthy (let the rolling eyes, dripping sarcasm, and gagging begin here), I bought Sugar in the Raw.

DearsweetJesusinHeaven, you can resume breathing...I wasn't raw when I bought it, I was fully dressed! That's just what it's called.

They say that if you have to use sugar, this is better for you. They also say that it's equivalent to regular sugar in sweetness. It isn't. I needed FOUR packets in my morning coffee, not two. Four. Somehow I don't think I'll be using my Sugar in the Raw anymore (which will bum my husband out terribly).

2010-09-13T19:27:00.004-04:00

Hey there. Guess who snuck into the freezer after work today and devoured the frozen half of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!? Yeah, that's right, it was me. Good health and a good figure be damned! I. Needed. Chocolate.

I have a question, though. Why the hell did I "sneak" into the freezer when I was the only one home? Could it have anything to do with being Catholic and always feeling guilty, even when I'm alone? Sheesh.

2010-09-10T17:48:00.009-04:00

While I was driving to the mall after school today, I was obliviously and happily savoring the Dove milk chocolate candy bar that my skinny-ass husband gave me this morning. There I was, driving along, minding my own business, when my damn conscience piped up and said, and I quote...

"If you don't get rid of that candy bar RIGHT NOW, I will not only continue to clog your arteries with cholesterol, I will also continue to make your hips big enough to cause a total solar eclipse, and your stomach look as if you're seven months pregnant. If you think you're uncomfortable now, just wait. If you think you can't find anything to wear that looks good now, just wait. If that's what you really want, have another bite."

I threw the damn candy bar out the window.

My conscience is a bitch and I hate her.

Emergency Bra

2010-09-05T10:17:00.005-04:00

The bra saga continues, because I'm sure you want to know.

We started school last week and I was all set with outfits, jewelry, etc., not to mention my new perfume from Victoria's Secret. ♥ Anyway, one of those mornings both of my new bouncy-like-a-dodge-ball-bras were hanging in the basement drying, and I didn't feel like walking all the way back down to get one, so I put on my emergency bra.

Do you have an emergency bra? If you do, you know it's one of those bras that you needed to replace, but saved anyway, just in case. Just in case what, I'm not sure because by the time it needs replacing, it's usually shot to hell. Which my emergency bra is, shot to hell that is.

Anyway, I put it on, got dressed, and marched off to school with total confidence that all was well in the bra department, which it wasn't. Because about an hour into the morning, I distinctly remembered why I had bought new bras. My right boob fell out of the emergency bra. It did.

Then I really really remembered...while home during the summer, I spent much of the day reaching into my shirt, hauling the damn bra up and shoving my boob into it (hence the need for replacing it). Now,that's no big deal when you're home alone, but when you're walking down the hall of a middle school and there are about 1,000 teenagers swarming around, or leaning over the desk of an 8th grader, it IS a big deal. A really big deal.

Try spending the day walking around with your right boob hanging out of your emergency bra, acting like you've got everything under control. It makes you cranky.

Most people would have walked into the house after work, ripped that emergency bra off and thrown it into the trash with reckless abandon...not me, I put it in the wash. Just in case.

2010-08-27T16:39:00.011-04:00

You know those two new bras that I got the other day, on sale, for only $19.99 each instead of $32.00 each, that I was so excited about?

I bounce in them.

I don't just "jiggle a little", I freakin' bounce like a kid's dodge ball, the old rubber ones.

2010-08-25T17:16:00.012-04:00

So I took a day for myself today, which contrary to popular belief, I don't do all that often. I dragged my butt to the craft store where I promptly purchased more scrapbook paper for my pendants. The same pendants that I am not purchasing anymore paper for...yeah, these.

After that, I ventured to the mall. Now, it must be noted that I am not a shopper by nature. I don't like it. I especially don't like to browse stores, so when I go, I go with a mission. Today my mission was: one pair of black dress pants, one pair of shoes to go with skirts, two new bras, and a body spray from Bath and Body Works.

I set my intention, just like The Universe tells me to. Weird, it kinda worked. First pair of black pants I tried on? Perfect fit. Pair of soft-looking jeans? Perfect fit. Skirt I saw hanging in the dressing room that someone else didn't want? Perfect fit.

Next I high-tailed it to the bra department, sort of like having a root canal without the anesthetic in my opinion. First two bras I tried on? Perfect fit. After the successful bra-buying, I power-walked myself over to Bath and Body Works for my ex-favorite scent (cuz I found a new one about 20 minutes later), got it for FREE with a coupon, plus bought two cinnamon scented candles, Buy One/Get One Half Off.

Ok, so now I'm feeling rather successful, even though no luck with the shoes. Anyway, I decided to slow down a little and enjoy the mall (I tried, I really did). I walked slowly past Victoria's Secret, covertly glancing in, because let's face it, mine is NOT a body that shops in Victoria's Secret. Not no way, not no how.

BUT, I had the idea that maybe I'd go in, ever so slowly and ever so casually, and check out their scents, which I did, which is why I have a new favorite scent now. It's called Amber Romance, but don't tell my husband because he'll consider the words "Victoria's Secret" and "Romance" foreplay, especially if you use them in the same sentence. But I digress.

The whole damn point of this post is that when I was looking for the checkout in Victoria's Secret, I asked the young, firm, tight-skinned, dark-haired, buxom beauty where the checkout was, her exact words to me were...and I quote..."It's right over there, sweetheart". SHE CALLED ME SWEETHEART. The only time a young female is allowed to call a second female "sweetheart" is if the second female is ELDERLY.

At least my damn bras were on sale.

2010-08-19T09:14:00.008-04:00

You know the old "adding insult to injury" thing? Well, I had my colonoscopy consult yesterday and it was decided that I will also be having an endoscopy at the same time!

"We'll use a different camera, though" says the physician's assistant.

"Oh, was that a little colon doctor humor?" I asked. "HaHa."

As evidenced by this photo, apparently I'll get a CD of the procedure. Wonderful. We'll show it at Thanksgiving, thereby ending any chance of gluttony.

They want me to do both because both my maternal grandmother and my mother had stomach cancer; my Noni lost her battle in her 50's, but my Mom is still going strong at 89, so you can see how far medicine has come.

I was obsessing about having to drink the half-gallon of gross, disgusting, crap that they give you, which will cause you to have "numerous bowel movements over the course of four of five hours" (that's the proper medical wording), but as it turns out, they also have pills you can take! Guess who's taking the pills instead?! Same result, less chance of vomiting it all up.

And let's be real...although I consider diarrhea and vomiting to be all-natural weight loss, I'd rather not do both at the same time.

2010-07-31T19:00:00.007-04:00

I am a 52 year old wife, mother of four and grandmother of one. I am going through menopause, which most of the free world has heard me whine about, am relatively healthy, and at this stage of the game, I know most everything about myself.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday while getting my "every-three-weeks-wow-are-you-ever-obsessed" haircut, I learned...for the very first time in my LIFE...that I have TWO COWLICKS!!!! TWO! THAT I NEVER EVEN KNEW ABOUT!

Even worse than that??

They areNOT symmetrical!!!

I value symmetry, I crave symmetry, I NEED symmetry!

2010-07-29T13:17:00.012-04:00

In the past three and a half weeks,
I've gone from taking this every day...

...to taking THESE every day!

The small green one is for lowering cholesterol, the GIGANTIC GELCAP is fish oil for "every single part of you", and the other capsule is Black Cohosh for hot flashes. And, drum roll please...they just might be diminishing! They're all herbal because I will fight going on medication, tooth and nail.

I think this means that I am officially getting older. Sigh.

2010-07-26T18:37:00.029-04:00

Can I just say...OMG! Wait until you see the crap I've gone through today, all because of some damned "high cholesterol" (please note that in my head, those two words were said in a very annoying, childish voice). But first...I have to bring in the groceries before they all go bad out there in my van. (Yes, I did run inside and leave all the food in the van. Why? Cuz no one's here and cuz I can!)

BRB.

Ok. I'm B.

It all started out with a little request to come in for "fasting" bloodwork, so I did. I fasted. And I whined because I got a headache from fasting, but whatever. They took my blood (and left me with heroin-looking track lines) and then, THEN, I got THIS...!!

...and (GASP!) THIS...!!!!

Are you shitting me??!! EXERCISE??!!

When I finally stopped lying on the floor, kicking my feet and screaming, I hightailed it over to Barnes and Noble and spent an hour (and my last gift card) on THESE...!!!

(I also snuck into Target and bought this, but that was just for retail therapy.)

OH YEAH! Just to add insult to injury, while I was perusing the shelves in the cookbook aisle at the bookstore, I found Pioneer Woman's cookbook! I sat down with THAT bestseller, drooling over her comfort food recipes (and the photos of Marlboro Man)! I need a cookie.

2010-07-21T13:28:00.003-04:00

NOTE TO SELF: Next time you're cleaning a razor blade (don't ask; nothing illegal, though), do not, I repeat, DO NOT wipe the edge of the blade.

Here I was, minding my mental business, thinking about how I was going to get out of my own way and get something done today, when all of a sudden....SLICE! And may I say, it hurt like freaking hell.

I'm going to carry on through my pain (it doesn't really hurt anymore) and move forward. (Yeah, right. It's an excuse to spend time on the porch with my book, who am I kidding?)

2010-07-19T09:37:00.004-04:00

Good Monday morning to ya. :) We're back from vacation in one of my most favorite places on earth--the cool, sometimes chilly-in-summer, Northeast Kingdom of Vermont, and what stands out most about the week?
♥The lake?
♥The sunsets?
♥The hummingbirds?
♥The amazing house?
♥The laughter of my children?
♥Sharing the week with my 89-year old mom?
♥The time to read three novels?
OR...
The incessant whining from yours truly about the record-breaking heat and humidity? BINGO!

2010-07-09T17:24:00.004-04:00

Sooo...I got my results back from blood work done a couple of weeks ago and evidently, my numbers are off.

"Off?! How off?!" Off enough to have to...(GASP)...change the way I eat???!!!

My glucose and cholesterol are both high(ish), only about two points high on glucose, but 12 points high on cholesterol. Good Lord...does this mean I'm old now? Does this mean I have to EXERCISE??!!! (someone please re-start my heart please!)

There is nothing more foreign to me than "eating right" and "exercise". I'll keep ya posted.

And by the way, might high glucose have anything to do with excessive sweating? Like, excessive sweating as in...hot flashes??

2010-07-06T18:18:00.004-04:00

So, I went to an amazing concert last night at Tanglewood in The Berkshires...absolutely incredible. It was James Taylor, Carole King and a special guest appearance by Yo Yo Ma. Talk about special.

Even more special was that when I made my thisclosetotoolate trip to the ladies room, I was standing there letting the cold water run over my hands and wrists (like my mama taught me) to help cool me and this woman next to me says...and I quote..."as if it's not hot enough here, I have these goddamn hot flashes to boot"! AMEN SISTER!!!!

I loved her immediately and without question.

2010-07-02T11:29:00.005-04:00

Way better than make-up sex any day.

2010-07-01T18:21:00.006-04:00

Middle daughter arrived home safely (thank You God) from her first-ever chick road trip. As a matter of fact, they left Virginia Beach around 7 a.m. yesterday, drove to and spent the day in Washington DC, then drove home (Western Massachusetts), arriving home around 2:30 a.m. Oh to be 20 again! But I digress.

She got me this bumper sticker which I looooove! Someone else out there gets it!

2010-07-01T10:13:00.006-04:00

'Morning to ya and a cool, breezy, wonderful-weather one it is. :)

Remember how I went to the new md the other day and asked her about the hot flashes from hell/mini anxiety attacks I was having? I wanted her opinion on an herbal supplement, which she gave me. She suggested black cohosh, which I hear from lots of galz.

So...the next day I high-tailed it to the health food store (my body did a quick shudder when I walked in...too much healthy stuff) and promptly shelled out $52.00 for two bottles of what I'm hoping will be Miracle Workers!

I did get black cohosh, but I also got talked into something called "Maca Magic". I am such a sucker. Anyway, this stuff is supposed to work on almost everything from A to Z. For instance, it's supposed to: give me more stamina/energy, balance my hormones, give me more virility and sexual ability (no thank you), and help with mental focus and emotional balance (yes please).

It's grown "on the Junin Plateau at 14,000 feet high in the Andes Mountains of Peru", so it must be wonderful. :-/ We shall see. We shall see.

I took both of them with my morning coffees...do you think that will counter-balance them?!

2010-06-28T16:39:00.007-04:00

1) Appointment with new doctor just to get to know her.
2) FIRST-EVER COLONOSCOPY SCHEDULED!!
3) Two pints of Ben & Jerry's.

4) 'Nuff said.

2010-06-28T09:43:00.004-04:00

Good HOT Monday morning to you. And can I just say...blech! If it weren't for a/c running almost continuously for the past three weeks, I'd have moved to the furthest reaches of Canada by now. Anyway...

I'm headed to a new primary care md today for a "new patient" visit. I figured I'd walk in, sit down, and say..."I'm a mess; fix me." What do you think? How's that for an introduction? I'm bringing my laundry list of things she needs to know, but mainly, I'm looking for her advice on the hot flashes/mini anxiety attacks. My thought was that her being a woman might just help. We'll see.

BUT...as my husband was leaving for work today he said to me, and tell me what you think he meant..."Let me know how it all goes with the new doctor today, honey; remember, there's nothing wrong with medication". What the...???!!!! Are you thinking what I'm thinking he meant??

I've heard that in some countries, PMS is a defense for murder. How about menopause?

2010-06-22T16:08:00.005-04:00

You know how, at this point in our lives, we're wondering just who we "really" are? Well, I've got myself all figured out. Ready? I am a Glad ForceFlex trash bag. I just keep on forcing all this crap into myself and rather than bursting, I just keep getting lumpier.

2010-06-17T23:20:00.001-04:00

I found a gray hair. Guess where.

2010-06-10T21:09:00.007-04:00

Are Whoppers considered a food group? Just asking.

2010-06-08T22:41:00.001-04:00

So I was walking into Yoga tonight and as I approached the giant glass door area, I saw the reflection of a woman who was, shall we say, large. In my head I thought, "Oh that poor wom...." UNTIL I REALIZED IT WAS MY REFLECTION!!! I hate everything.

On a much cheerier note, it was one year ago today that I started my period for what (so far) is the last time. And one year ago this coming Friday is when I stopped my period for what (so far) is the last time. Kind of a bittersweet time…the end of one part of my life, the beginning of another. I guess I should feel more grown up and I suppose in some ways, I do. But in most other ways, I don’t.

I have more questions now than ever before, more fears, more regrets, more worries, and definitely more hips! More jowls, more facial hair, more ~~age spots~~ freckles, and more dental caps.

But at least I’m still here….at least we all are.

To all powerful women:

live your life in such a way,

that when your feet hit the

floor in the morning,

Satan shudders and says…

“Oh shit! She’s awake!”

AMEN.

And I quote…

2010-06-06T20:25:00.001-04:00

I was researching homeopathic remedies for these wretched hot flashes/night sweats this afternoon when I came across this amazingly wondrous fact at www.breastcancer.org

And I quote….

“Changing your diet”

“Over time, a low-fat diet helps some women with hot flashes. Losing excess weight helps, but losing too much weight, or being too thin, can worsen symptoms. As you consider other food changes, keep in mind that natural doesn't mean harmless. blah blah blah….

I don’t even care what else they said.

There is a God.

2010-05-29T20:56:00.000-04:00

Thaaaaaat's it. I'm done trying to hold my stomach in; been doing it for as long as I can remember. Who am I kidding?

2010-05-25T17:11:00.005-04:00

Anyone here besides me just eat an entire container of Ben & Jerry's "Imagine Whirled Peace" ice cream while sitting on the back porch, whining to your husband about another day at work?

Pardon me while I go purge.

2010-05-23T21:01:00.001-04:00

Great news on the chin-hair front!

Oh, did I not tell you about the humiliating chin-hair issue? Yeah, well, I got ‘em…just one more middle-age embarrassment to deal with. Anyway, the good news is that…drum roll please…one or two of the nasty hairs have turned white!! Why is that such good news? Because now it will be a little harder to spot the offending little )(*&^%&^()). Great, huh?

Gotta grab the good news where we can find it.

2010-05-22T18:48:00.000-04:00

Hi gals. Serious question for you. Does anyone here take medication, or know anyone who takes medication, for hot flashes? I've never ever wanted to do that, but things are getting out of hand and it's the first time I've considered it.

Sometimes my hot flashes start out as mini-anxiety attacks; this past week, it's happened almost daily, and let me tell you, I am miserable. Apparently it's got something to do with the adrenaline kicking it up a notch or two or three, so my doctor wasn't surprised when I told him that, but still.

Not sure how many more years I can take of this nonsense. Anyone got any ideas?

2010-05-20T20:26:00.001-04:00

Can I just say that listening to my 20-year old and her best friend plan a "road trip" partway down the east coast is making me hyperventilate? Well, it is.

A teeny, tiny part of me is probably a tad envious (cuz jealous is such a negative word), but a BIGGER part of me is SCARED because they'll be two young chicks traveling alone...on the highway...in the dark...to unknown places...and people...without their mamas. Oh crap, they just said ""when we get to D.C…."

This whole "raising the baby birds and teaching them to fly on their own" is just plain stupid.

Dammit. I have to go breathe into a paper bag now.

TGIF and an Award…

2010-05-14T16:59:00.001-04:00

Hi there and can I just say…

F!!!

So…the best part of today, besides it being Friday, is that Coffee Slut (I always feel so bad saying that, like I’m calling her a “slut”, which I would never EVER do because she could probably beat me up!), has given me a very sweet award just cuz she’s nice that way. :)

Now to pass it on!

Here are the rules:

-Make a post about the award, including the picture, and mention the person who gave it to you.

-Put the award on your blog.

-Let your nominated 10 know you've awarded them by leaving a comment.

So, let’s see if I can get this right. Ahem…

…here, in no particular order, are ten blogs that I love and read regularly. I mean, I love and read many others regularly, too, but I can only pick ten today.

1) ☻ Nancy at homeatacorncottage.blogspot

2) ☻Melinda at countrydream1.blogspot

3) ☻Becky at farmgirlpaints.blogspot

4) ☻Jes at kadyhope.blogspot

5) ☻Sarah at makegreatstuff.blogspot

6) ☻Lori at mountainwomanatheart.blogspot

7) ☻Jamjar at jamjarstuff.blogspot

8) ☻Monica at www.thecraftjunkieblog.com

9) ☻Barbara at basia-spiritspace.blogspot

10) ☻Heather at wondercupboard.blogspot

I wish I knew how to make those cute little underlining thingamajigs instead of having to write out everyone’s “address”, but I don’t, and none of the kids are home to show me how.

Thank you Coffee Slut, and thank you NancyMelindaBeckyJesSarahLoriJamjarMonicaBarbara&Heather for inspiring me in more ways than you can imagine. For real.

And now, let the weekend begin!

Leg HairZ

2010-05-05T19:28:00.001-04:00

Please picture this. There I was, sitting in the library at work today chatting with one of the teachers I work with and admire, legs crossed, neatly pressed black capris riding up my calf ever-so-slightly when what to my horror, my chagrin, my DISMAY, I noticed....GASP....

ONE ROW OF MY WINTER LEG HAIR THAT I HAD MISSED WHEN I HURRIEDLY MOWED, I MEAN SHAVED, IN THE BATHROOM SINK THIS MORNING BECAUSE I REALIZED IT WAS GOING TO BE IN THE 80s AND I WANTED TO WEAR CAPRIS!!!

Dammit..I hate everything.

No Lap?!

2010-04-27T17:03:00.001-04:00

Hi galZ. If you could see me now, you'd see me hanging my head back (Pez-like), copious amount of tears streaming down my cheeks, arms hanging limp at my side, totally bummed. Why you ask? I'll tell ya why.

I sat down at the computer last night to visit my blog palZ and was trying to get comfy in my chair, to no avail. After a few minutes of trying to get the damn cat off of my lap, I realized two things.

One....WE DON'T HAVE A CAT!

Two...I DON'T HAVE A LAP!

It was my larger-than-it’s-ever-been-even-after-childbirth stomach that was resting on my lap! WTH?? How did that happen?? When did I transform from a svelte, lithe, taut young woman into a bloated, doughy, plump BROAD??!! Even my hands are chunky now!!

I think I need some chocolate. Oh wait…um, could that be the reason??

2010-04-12T06:26:00.001-04:00

Guess what I almost did yesterday afternoon! You won’t believe it!

Let me premise this by saying that my hot flashes have been getting a tad worse and, well, hotter lately.

So…we had just come home from a great Spring ride in the country with my Mom and two of the kids. I went upstairs to change, then decided to change the sheets on our bed. While doing that, I began to sweat…nothing new there. (Of course I was muttering under my breath about it).

A minute or two goes by and I’m sweating worse, so I figured that I’d take off my long-sleeved shirt and put on a t-shirt. I got the long-sleeved one off, but decided to wait to put the t-shirt on as no one was upstairs but me.

Now I’m still working on the sheets and I’m getting too freaking hot for my taste, which is when I decided that I’d take off my jeans and put on my capris. Still muttering, I did just that, took off the jeans, but decided not to put on the capris yet. Are you seeing the pattern here?

So there I am alone in my room, changing the sheets, muttering under my breath something about “always being so damn hot for no reason” blahblahblah, and standing there in my underwear!!

I was thisclose to being nekked because of hot flashes!!! It was not a pretty sight!

2010-03-30T17:54:00.003-04:00

Hi there. Question for ya...does anyone else eat til they get sick to their stomach, to the point of being nauseous? Does anyone else eat when they are NOT EVEN hungry? Does anyone else eat their emotions?! Ugh.

Why do I do this? What causes this otherwise pretty well-adjusted, fairly intelligent, semi-talented, sort of successful in life, mother of four, grandmother of one, to abuse herself this way? And how in the hell can I get me some self-lovin'?

2010-03-17T17:26:00.004-04:00

Hi galz. Ok...for all of us that are overworked and underpaid, or just plain worn out, here is our new motto. Take it to heart and pass it on!

2010-03-15T17:34:00.001-04:00

Damn me. Just got home from the grocery store and I didNOT buy a bag of my new addiction. I figured I could white-knuckle my way through the week...WHAT WAS I THINKING??!!

2010-03-11T15:58:00.002-05:00

Today is Thursday, the fourth day of the week. Today I bought the fourth bag of Cadbury mini eggs so far this week. How'm I doin'?

2010-03-09T18:38:00.001-05:00

Hi. So, um, you know how I mentioned that I keep a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs in my van at all times for my mental health? Um, well, I finished the second bag today…the second bag this week…and today is only Tuesday…and I got the first bag on Monday. Is that a bad thing?

In my defense, it wasn’t such a great day at school today. One of my 6th grade students decided that I needed to be paying a bit more attention to him than to anyone else, and he wrapped his grubby hand around my bracelet, my “Pandora” bracelet mind you (only two of the beads are Pandora, but still….) and wouldn’t let go. It was kind of a stand-off…him holding on and me telling him in no uncertain terms to get his hand off of me.

So, that could be one of the reasons I finished my second bag this week….and it’s only Tuesday.

2010-03-08T17:41:00.003-05:00

Ugh. I feel depressed, overweight, useless, and downright crappy, mentally that is. I feel so mentally crappy that I can't even be sarcastic! Hence the neverending, always open bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs in my van. I tell you, if I don't get myself out of this damn rut, I'll kick my OWN ass!!

2010-02-19T17:31:00.006-05:00

Actual text message to my husband while he was at work today. "The accountant called about our tax returns, the van's windshield has been replaced, and the dog's anal glands need to be expressed". Ain't life grand?

2010-02-10T18:32:00.001-05:00

Ok gals....here’s a story that really beats all of our sucky days, (except the really bad ones, like the life-altering ones). It’s odd, gross, weird, and quite true.

A couple of months ago, I was chatting with my friend ConE (pronounced Connie) when she asked if I'd heard about her “gyn” problem. I said no, so she proceeded to tell me how HER UTERUS FELL OUT!! I kid you not…I couldn’t make this up.

ConE told me how she’d gone to a craft fair/felt fine/came home/felt fine/went to pee/ felt fine/ went to wipe herself/ and to quote her "I'D GROWN A PENIS!" She was horrified and terrified, to say the least!

Anyway...she proceeded to explain the entire disgusting process to me and when I asked her what she did when HER UTERUS FELL OUT, she said "I pushed it back in"!!!!

Apparently it's quite common (who knew) and she has three choices. One is to put a ring up inside of herself that will hold it in, but needs to come out to be cleaned (pass); the second is to have an operation where they stitch the uterus onto something (pass she said); and the third is to just push it back inside when HER UTERUS FALLS OUT!

I just want to know what God was thinking when He decided that it would be a common occurrence for a woman to have HER UTERUS FALL OUT! Was He still mad at Eve for the whole apple incident?! Was He just feelin' a little PLAYFUL??? What the hell??!! So now we don't have to just worry about peeing a tad when we sneeze, we have to worry about having
OUR UTERUSES FALL OUT!!!

Is it NOT ENOUGH that we have to live and procreate with beings from another emotional planet? That we have to carry on alone with everything ( i.e. children, bills, illnesses, jobs, car repairs, animals, vermin, laundry, groceries, blahblahblah) if the aforementioned emotional alien being has a teeny little headache? That the entire fate of the human race depends on us??? Now we have to worry about OUR UTERUSES FALLING OUT WHILE WE'RE GROCERY SHOPPING!!??

I will keep you posted on the comings and goings of ConE’s uterus, but for now, just suffice to say that I'm going to spend a lot more time sitting down than ever before!!

PS…ConE’s uterus started to fall out at school on Monday afternoon and evidently, by making her laugh hysterically about it (which I did), it tends to aggravate the matter. Again, who knew?

2010-02-09T17:01:00.001-05:00

I feel bloated but I don't know why. Hmm. Let's review. Saturday was my official birthday...Friday the 8th grade class had a party for me with a CAKE. Saturday my family and I celebrated with two CAKES. Monday Maria and ConE each made me a CAKE, for a total of two more CAKES. That’s a grand total of FIVE CAKES in four days. Oh, I get it now.

2010-02-07T18:06:00.007-05:00

Wanna see my wackiest birthday gift from yesterday?

My husband put this together so that we can start a little "just-the-two-of-us-for-the-weekend" fund. The funny thing is that once I (finally) spotted it in the cupboard, he moved it around the house for the rest of the afternoon. It kept showing up on the bookshelf, on the entertainment center, on the table...it was funny!

I ate enough cake to put a stop to any weight loss that might have been taking place. Never mind that, right now we're getting ready to have steak and potatoes on the grill, followed up by one ridiculously large slice of cannoli cake and another of ice cream cake. Hey! I wouldn't want to seem ungrateful! A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.

2010-02-02T17:18:00.001-05:00

How many of you like to bake desserts? I do, for sure. I’d rather bake dessert any day than cook real food, which is probably why I have a “pair of hips, just like two battleships”!

Today is my husband’s birthday and he wanted some butter recipe cupcakes, milk chocolate frosting, and ice cream. He also wants some you-know-what later, but I got him a new set of knives instead! A lot more useful, don’t you think? Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that there should be a disclaimer on the back of the cake mix box that reads something like this:

“Ahem. This mix will make about 36 cupcakes, unless of course you eat enough raw dough to constitute oh, about eight baked cupcakes. Then this mix will make around 28 cupcakes. It will probably give you a stomachache as well. It may even give you a sugar headache. Your call. The End.”

I just hope that my sick stomach and headache go away in time for me to eat at least one-third of the milk chocolate frosting.

Zumba Class

2010-01-29T18:15:00.001-05:00

Howdy. So last night I went to a Zumba class...anyone heard of it? It's crazy Latin exercise disguised as wild and fun dance. It is wild and fun, no doubt about that, but I learned a few things about it, and myself.

First of all, I don’t sweat in an attractive manner. Every other woman there was sweating like a horse, too, but for some reason, their faces were *flushed* and *glistening*, and their hair was *curling softly around their faces*. Me? My face was beet red, splotchy, and sweaty, and my short hair was sticky from the overuse of hair spray combined with sweat.

Secondly, I am now quite uncoordinated. Once upon a time I could dance the night away unencumbered by rules and the right number of steps, but no more. Trying to count, move, watch the instructor and sweat in an attractive fashion…it just wasn’t happening.

I felt like a big buffoon, a lummox, a rhinoceros in a tutu (although I was NOT wearing a tutu!). I also felt like a “bowl full of jelly”, if you get my drift. Trying to dash from side to side while not tripping over my own feet proved not only futile but comical to anyone watching, I’m sure.

You move your hips and ass a lot in Zumba, which looks good on the ~~skinny, sexy, talented, dark-haired, well-toned bitch~~ instructor, but not on me. Also,the last time I moved my hips in that motion, baby #4 was conceived, so NO. THANK. YOU.

Did I mention the boobs? Yeah, you wiggle them around sassily, too. Considering I wear a 40D, mine don’t wiggle, they BOUNCE and cause pain. Again, comical.

I guess my message is that Zumba can be not only a ton of fun, but quite beneficial, too. That is, if you’re ~~skinny, sexy, talented,~~ ~~dark-haired, well-toned and a bitch~~ coordinated, adventurous and flexible. Me? Not so much.

2010-01-24T14:25:00.002-05:00

Question for you...uh, was I supposed to have been shaving under my arms all this winter? I was? Legs too? Ah crap.

Menopausal Lesson #48

2010-01-16T12:59:00.011-05:00

Hi there and happy Saturday morning to you, rather Saturday afternoon to you. :)

Here's your Menopausal Lesson for the day. Ahem. If you're standing by the sink doing the dishes and you have to go to the bathroom, GO. Do not be foolish enough to think that "holding it" will benefit you in any way, shape or form. It won't. Trust me. I know. Here's why...

...you'll be standing there happily washing the morning dishes, wearing your jammies just cuz you can, just cuz it's Saturday, and then you'll decide to scour the sink using Comet. Which you'll do. BUT, if you happened to be here three posts ago, you'll realize that if I'm around Comet, I always tend to inhale at the worst possible moment, right when the Comet dust is floating around in the air. And then you'll have to sneeze. Twice.

Quiz Question...what happens when you're almost 52 years old, have given birth four times, didNOT do your Keigel exercises when your obgyn told you to, you have to go to the bathroom but you're "holding it", you've just accidentally inhaled Comet fumes, and you sneeze? Twice?

Say it with me...you pee a little.

I am now totally ashamed of myself for sharing this since I'm always telling my kids to keep their reallyreally personal information to themselves. You realize I've just sunk to a new low...but I did for the good of all womankind.

2010-01-08T18:58:00.001-05:00

So I'm not real sure of the official qualifications, but I think this family has finally arrived at "white trash" status. How do I know this? Well, as of today, there are SEVEN VEHICLES living on this little acre of ours. SEVEN. Two of them are pick -up trucks from the early 80s; one with a plow and one without. Those two belong to my husband and son respectively and are lovingly referred to as “project trucks”, which is why they aren’t even registered.

I know some of the rules:

1) abandoned bathtub and/or toilet; NOPE.

2) empty cans (soda or otherwise) blowing around the yard; I TRY TO KEEP THEM PICKED UP.

3) chickens that roam freely around the premises; NOT ANYMORE. THEY ALL DIED OFF.

4) ever having had chickens in the house; YES, BUT ONLY WHEN THEY WERE NEW. OR SICK. OR COLD.

5) other livestock, but you’re not a farm; HAD A GOAT FOR EIGHT YEARS; SHE’S GONE NOW.

6) must share your spouse’s teeth; THESE ARE MINE, ROOT CANALS AND ALL.

7) former pets buried on the property; WELL, UH, YES…GERBILS AND CHICKENS.

8) more vehicles than there are drivers; UH, YES AGAIN.

9) more than one unregistered vehicle; TWO.

10) having a TV in the backyard with bullet holes in it and calling it “yard art”; NO, BUT WE KNOW SOMEONE WHO DOES.

I guess if I peruse this list and add up the yes answers, we just might qualify. Do you think we’ll get a tax break?

2010-01-07T16:51:00.006-05:00

Yesterday's decadent highlight of domestic goddessness ? Being excited to...ready for this?...clean my EYELASH CURLER!

Woohoo!! What a wild, crazy and spontaneous wonder I am!!

What I Learned Today

2010-01-06T13:33:00.001-05:00

I stayed home from work today for a couple of reasons, one of them being that if I didn’t get some alone time real soon, someone was going down. You’ve heard the saying…”if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”…you and I both know it’s true.

I’ve learned quite a bit so far today and it’s only 12:50 p.m. I’ve learned that my youngest daughter comes home from high school for lunch and just about always gets back to school late. Hmm. I’ve learned that the dog chooses her napping spot by following the sun around the house, even if that means she lies on the arm of the couch. I’ve also learned that when the dog is done downstairs, she tip-paws upstairs and goes to bed; evidently she’s tired from following the sun around the house.

I’ve learned that I was grossly misinformed about a cleaning ritual that I was supposed to have been engaging in, and I do mean “grossly”!! (This reminds me of last year about this time when I found out I was supposed to have been shaving my legs all through the winter months…who the hell knew that??)

Anyway…I learned that a family taking showers every damn day is not, I repeat NOT, considered “cleaning the tub”. I bet that I’m the only person you know that used a knife to gouge the disgusting stuff off the soap dishes in the shower today. Not a proud moment, let me tell you.

In my defense, I am almost legally blind without my contact lenses and since I shower after I’ve taken them out at night, I didn’t know; I also never looked behind the shower curtain, but whatever.

I also learned that we have FIVE BOTTLES OF CONDITIONER AND EIGHT BOTTLES OF SHAMPOO!! All this for two parents and three daughters. (There are also four bottles of good-smelling shower gel, but they’re mine, so just never-you-mind about those.) I added up the prices on each of those bottles—it comes to almost SIXTY FREAKING DOLLARS!

I learned that a squirrel sits in the tree next to the bird feeder all damn day, trying to figure out a way to snag the seed. He’s looking frustrated, good sign for the birds.

And lastly, I learned a very important lesson. If you are standing in the tub barefoot, pants rolled up to your knees, wearing rubber gloves and scrubbing down the walls, DO NOT, under any circumstances, inhale Comet. It’ll give you a bitch of a headache.

2009-12-29T18:08:00.007-05:00

Howdy. So, I ventured out into the frigid New England air today (14 degrees with wind gusts of 50 mph), heading to my cottage in order to listen to one of my hypnosis CD's. I'd had the heater going for about two hours in there beforehand, but even then, the temp inside only got to about 50! Brrrr...

But I digress.

I finally got the annoying CD player going, got myself into a comfortable place on the rocker, and began listening to the peaceful voice of my hypnotist, Claire. She was doing a great job of quieting me down and relaxing me...I was almost in "my happy place", when BAM! The damn CD player decided to skip a beat, or two or three. I almost panicked (is this how you spell panicked?), but figured that since I was being hypnotized, I would relax and deal.

I listened some more, relaxed some more, quieted down some more and again...BAM...it happened! Now I could feel myself getting pissed, beginning to ever-so-slightly shake my head and have angry thoughts, which defeats the purpose, don't you think?

Well, long story short, the damn CD player started skipping all over the place, even starting over again. My main concern, though, was not the skipping, it was much bigger than that. I almost began to hyperventilate!!

My main thought? How in the the hell do I UNhypnotize myself? What if she never gets to the part about counting backwards from five and having me wake up?! What if I can't ever open my eyes? What if my family begins to miss me (around supper time of course) and no one realizes where I am? What if they find me in the spring, propped up in my rocker, drooling ever-so-slightly, with a contented smile on my face?! AAAAGGGGHHHH!!

Kind of blew the relaxation thing right out of the water.

Guess who's going to Walmart to get a new CD player tomorrow.

2009-12-24T08:23:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas to everyone. May your day be filled with family, love, warm memories, laughter, hugs, joy and peace.

And may all of your hot flashes come only when you’re freezing!

2009-12-23T08:46:00.001-05:00

Remember last night when I said I was hungry and that I was going to have low fat yogurt? Yeah well, I left the living room fully intending to do just that...except somewhere between here and the kitchen, that looooong twenty foot trek, I snapped. Yogurt be damned! I had a shortbread cookie, ~~one~~ three handfuls of popcorn, and a Lindt truffle.

Let’s see if I can’t get it right today. Tally ho, onward, and all that stuff.

2009-12-22T16:42:00.006-05:00

I. Am. Hungry.

I am craving something totally unhealthy, fat- and cream-filled, and I don't want it to affect my weight. What are my chances? I know the secrets...1) eat it while standing up...no countsies; 2) eat in the dark...no countsies; 3) eat it while no one is looking...no countsies; and 4) eat it raw....no countsies.

Tally ho, here I go into the kitchen.

Dammit, I've decided to just eat some low fat yogurt.

The hypnosis kicks in every now and then...it's an odd feeling knowing that I'm doing something that was put into my head through hypnosis (with my permission, of course). Still, it's weird when I see myself doing something that my taste buds are gonna be pissed about.

Sigh.

2009-12-20T19:40:00.003-05:00

Ugh. "The weather outside is frightful"...frightfully cold that is! But wait...while my outside is freeeeezing, my insides are boiling hot! Where's the justice in that? At least if God has to give us hot flashes from hell, at least He could make them count for some warmth during the winter cold snaps! I'm just sayin'...

2009-12-18T21:48:00.007-05:00

Hi gals. I just read a "Dear Abby" column where a woman asks how to explain to her husband the severity of her hot flashes. She's trying to make him understand NOT to cuddle with her while she's in the midst of one.

Well, "Abby" said that if all else fails, tell her husband to preheat the oven to 450 degrees and once it reaches 450, open the door, bend down, and get good and close for a few minutes. Uh-uh-uh...no backing up!

I have one thing to add to Abby's suggestion...do that about twenty times a day for a few years, but don't forget to put on about thirty pounds first. Let's see how much you want to cuddle now!

2009-12-03T19:12:00.009-05:00

How's this for a hot flash? Last night I joined a six-week yoga class specifically for strengthening my back, and may I say, it's very nice.

So...I'm doing the incredibly relaxing and peaceful yoga stretches, the room we're in is comfortably cool, the lighting is soft with a few candles burning. I'm lying there on my mat, totally relaxing and doing my deep breathing, when out of nowhere...BAM...I get hit with a hot flash from hell! My face gets all hot and sweaty and I can feel the flush rising. Adding insult to injury, this was one of those hot flashes that brings the feeling of an anxiety attack along with it, just for ha's ha's.

I decided to just "yoga" my way through it and hmmmm...it kinda sorta worked, the candles, the stretching, the breathing. The next time one hits me in the classroom, though, I'll probably just have to fight the urge to smack one of the kids in the front row since dimming the lights, laying across three desks and deep breathing will NOT be an option.

PS...that's totally me stretching in that yoga photo. JUST KIDDING!! NOT IN THIS LIFETIME, SISTER!!!

2009-11-25T13:27:00.005-05:00

Hi galz! Anyone else have every intention of eating til they're sick to their stomach tomorrow?! Oh yeah!

I have a spice cake in the oven now which is the base for my Pumpkin Trifle; besides that, Chocolate Cream Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Apple Pie, and Bread Pudding (for a little authenticity). Come on, everyone knows that dessert is the best part of the meal!!

And, I just realized that I may not have told you all about my good friend ConE (pronounced kon EE) whose uterus fell out. Did I tell you that story? No? Ok, once this holiday is over (and you've all eaten), I'll share that with you. I bet you can't wait!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!! Stay safe.

2009-11-16T17:45:00.001-05:00

Has anyone ELSE parked their minivan in the grocery store parking lot, spent an hour (and copious amounts of money) in the grocery store, all the while leaving the car keys in the ignition??!!

2009-11-01T17:41:00.010-05:00

So. Went for my annual OBGYN appointment last week, as I so joyously reported, and today I got to wondering about something. What are the dynamics between you and your OBGYN? I mean, do you chat about mundane stuff? Or is it strictly a doctor/patient, medical stuff only relationship?

~~I whine about~~ My guy and I chat first about my hot flashes, mood swings, night sweats, diminishing eyesight, jowls, age spots, and facial hair. Then he asks me if I want to go on any kind of hormone replacement therapy yet, or continue to stick it out. (Just for the record, I'm choosing to "stick it out", no medications.) Then I retreat into the little room, strip naked and pray to God that the md won't come in before I'm done stripping. (Side note...why is that? Why do I worry about being naked in front of the doctor when he's seen more of me than I care to admit?)

While he's doing the breast exam and using the car jack to do "everything else", we discuss my trip to Vermont (he vacations there), my sister (she goes to him, too), and my cousin (the musician), who my doctor absolutely loves. Then, this time, we discussed his wife's menopause!! Craaaazy!

How about you...what goes on before, during and after your favorite exam of the year?

2009-10-24T13:45:00.001-04:00

Menopausal Moment #421. Went to a wedding last night (a really fun one!) with two of my daughters. After my son, the most handsome usher there, walked me down the aisle, I sat down and reached for the program. Oops, forgot to put my glasses on.

Crap! Where are my glasses?

I just had them in my hand! I must have dropped them!

Quick! Someone go check the front of the church for my glasses before the bride comes in!

Shit. She’s going to step on my glasses and slip!

WHERE ARE MY DAMN GLASSES???!!!!

All the while I’m going crazy about the damn glasses, I’m fidgeting around, standing up to look back down the aisle from where I had just come, beginning to panic. That’s when daughter number two says, in a most sarcastic tone…

“You mean these glasses?”

They were around my neck the whole ^%$)($&@! time.

I quieted down. And mentally cursed my need for reading glasses. Repeatedly.

2009-10-22T21:09:00.001-04:00

I have been walking around this house for the past four hours with my shirt on inside out.

2009-10-20T19:13:00.001-04:00

Ok, let’s review.

Silver hair (slightly thinning in areas, but I’m ignoring that.) CHECK.

Eyebrows that are beginning to grow in strange formations. CHECK.

Droopy eyelids…no longer able to wear eye shadow as eyelids have all but disappeared. CHECK.

The need, the requirement if you will, for countless pairs of magnifier reading glasses (a pair to match every outfit, of course). CHECK.

Under-eye circles are darker than ever, making me look sinister. CHECK.

Facial hair leaving me resembling a wombat. CHECK.

Irrigation ditches running from my lips towards God knows where, so any lipstick that I apply forms a road map. CHECK.

Hairs growing out of two moles making me look terrifying, even to myself. I’m even embarrassed to write it. CHECK.

Flabby upper arms that wave back at me whenever I wave to anyone. CHECK.

Age spots covering my hands and arms. CHECK.

Bulges in places where, once upon a time, there were no places. CHECK.

The inability to wear any type of underwear other than Big Mama Undies without them getting stuck in, well, you know where. CHECK.

Varicose veins so big that you’d need four-wheel drive to get over them. CHECK.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing…FACIAL ACNE!!!!

WILL. IT. NEVER. END?

But the best part of this week is that Thursday, I get to visit my OBGYN for my annual exam. And I quote…”just scoot down, put your feet in the stirrups, and relax”.

2009-10-17T22:09:00.004-04:00

Oh crap! I am having a hot flash as I sit here right now. It's only 34 degrees outside, the cold wind is blowing, the house's heat is set at 68 degrees, and there is sweat on my face! I despise sweat...hate it. And here it is, on my face.

Also, there is a bag of Rolos calling my name, loud and clear, from the other room! Sing with me now..."you can roll a Rolo to your friend". HA! Now that song is stuck in your head, too, isn't it?

I love Rolos and I want some, but I also want to weigh less and tonight, the slimmer, trimmer wannabe-me wins out. Yay for one small victory. But boy, is that bag ever loud!